It Hits You Hard

Disclaimer: A word-heavy blog post without any pictures. Just plain old cogitation.

I meant to do an entire blog post on my 19th birthday but it rained all of a sudden(Finally) thus, I didn't have good lighting to take pictures of the things I received.

In a casual attempt of cheap therapy, I've decided to use this space to unravel what's going on in my mind for anyone to stumble upon. It definitely beats laying on the bed, thinking about how qualmish this makes me feel.

I have never had a deep and open sharing session with anyone about this before so let's make you the first.

My name is Gilda and I am Atelophobic.

Atelophobia (from the Greek: ατελής, atelès, "imperfect, incomplete" and φόβος, phóbos, "fear") is the fear of not being good enough or imperfection, according to Wikipedia.

Expectations, expectations. Made-known or subtle, academic or life based, for yourself or the people around you, everyone has some form of expectation. At least I think everyone does.

I've always been one to have high expectations for almost everything that I do. Now, before you be quick to judge, I'm not trying to brag in any way, shape or form. I just want to share bits of me with you, and it takes a lot of courage for anyone to do this in my humble opinion, if you will.

Right, where was I at again? Ah, me.

Since I was little, I've been put into quite a competitive milieu which might've bred my disgusting agonistical character. You might immediately think that my parents, being the normal Asians they are, are the ones that expect a lot from me. Well, here's where you're wrong. I can safely say that throughout the 12 years of my academic life, my parents never once punished me severely for not doing well in a test. Not that they don't care or anything because I have been told off before, just not in an austere fashion, but because they didn't want to discourage or stress me out too much. They have never once pushed me to study, neither have they dictated which study path I should or should not take as they trust me enough to take responsibility for my own actions. I've always been the one who expected a lot from myself hence putting a colossal amount of stress into doing well in school, sports or anything that I did for that matter. The sole reason for that, ironically, is the fear of letting the people around me down. I have this deep-seated fear of not being good enough. At age 8, I would cry to myself at night, stressed out about not scoring the full 10 marks or so for the spelling test I had the next day. As I grew older, this fear grew in like manner. Then, at age 16, it reached its peak and I was diagnosed with anxiety.

"Take this pill before any exam or situation you know you're going to be stressed or anxious about."

That's it. I was officially mental.

Was I going to be reliant on pills to stabilise my mind forever? What will others think of me? I don't want people to think I'm insane. How will I face the world?

Thoughts came scrambling as all I wanted was to be normal.

Well, if I ignored it would it go away?

I convinced myself that if I didn't think about it it would be fine. I would be normal.

Delusional.

I was dysphoric. I never felt confident of myself. I always felt like I was mocked at by the rest of the world who seemingly had their shit together unlike me. The feelings of paralysing terror and utter inadequacy took over me. I wouldn't dare to do anything that would have the slightest chance of me failing. I had to be good, I had to excel. I've had my highs with this innate mentality stubbornly stuck in my head, but I didn't like who I was. I was overly-competitive and delirious. I couldn't stand the person I had become.

But amidst the many vicious fights with the devil in my head telling me that I'll never be good enough, that I'll never meet my or anyone else's expectations, I had people around be whom would gladly throw a punch at it whenever I needed them to. I could find solace and comfort in them. They were patient, loving and caring. On top of that, they didn't see me as a psychotic joke which was what ultimately mattered.

Things have gotten better as of late and I've stop relying on pills to unbundle my nerves and calm the overwhelmed mind. I still have not gotten rid of the feeling of being claustrophobic in my own body, neither have I gained the confidence that I yearn to have but I'm taking baby steps there. My mum also told me that the only thing that is impeding my success is the fact that I'm afraid of failure. She's absolutely right.

In the wise words of Shakespeare, "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

Maybe I should start expecting less of myself to rid myself of disillusionment. This fear is a psychological flaw that has crippled me, but I know it is not going to go away. Not for now....

February Fashion Inspiration

[Pictures taken from various Tumblr blogs]

The Weekend Edit

Celine Trio | Maison Kitsune Tokyo Convertible Sunglasses | Free People Headband | Nixon Kensington | Free People Underwire Lace Bra | Chanel Espadrilles | ASOS High-waisted Ripped Jeans | Zara Tank Top

So I've recently created a Polyvore account and thought I'd give this Fashion thing a go. I'll be putting up collages of different looks for your viewing pleasure, or better yet, give you any form of inspiration on what to wear. Really hope you'll enjoy this one! Also, it'd be great if you could leave comments, letting me know what you think of the looks.

This first edit is what I'd wear on a weekend out to town(or anywhere else really). A casual but put-together look, sticking to the almost monochromatic theme. You'll soon come to realise that I'm not one to wear loads of colours as I post more looks on this space. I incorporated subtle accents of colour to this look through the tie-dye headband and the gold face watch so as to perk the outfit up slightly.